I feel like a ghost today.

This morning began with a tinge of disappointment; I had planned on sidewalk-chalking all my graduating friends driveways and sidewalks, but it was raining hardcore. It has generally been a rainy day, but it feels atmospheric and I'm glad when the weather seems to match my mood.

The actual ceremony this morning was chaotic and uneventful. Ran through the rain into a building full of people I never knew but who are an integral part of the lives of people around me for the past four years. Isn't that bizarre, in itself? and as a friend of mine said, it's melancholic to see people graduating who you've always seen around but not really known. as in, hey, that guy that worked in the library last year--I'm probably never going to see him again. gah!

and looking down the line of graduating seniors in graphic design. . these people who've been my classmates and acquantances and friends. i saw them in the computer labs late at night, and at copy centers, we waved from cars driving around town, laughed at bars, gained knowledge, complimented and gossiped about each other, such a myriad of situations. and now I feel as if we're sand being blown off a palm; once connected, now floating and all falling into different places and lives.

big family day,too, crying over the unspeakable bond of blood and how inexpressible my thanks is to these people who have produced me and supported me. seeing my grandparents, and how they've had such a happy long lives, and they're finally starting to look old in a way that forces me to question the shortness of our lives.

then the showing of my portfolio, small gifts, cake. and my grandma drinking the rest of my Heineken, something to make me smile in the midst of all this in-between emotion.

I'm drinking tea now, it feels right for the rain and because I should slow down, coffee has been far too much of a drug for me lately. listening to U2, because it's old to me, and it sounds like comfort and the years 1997-2000.

I've changed clothes about five times today, nothing really feels right. and I was so inside my brain today, I had a few conversations that afterwards I had to ask myself, 'what did I just say to that person?' so I feel bad, because I try to be always the cheerful one, and on a day like today I just have to be my pensive self.

anyway, this is getting long. I have part of a journal entry I wrote awhile ago, then I'm signing off, and moving on. graduating from college is a big deal, but putting this to bed seems even larger. this is my college self in digital form; i won't remove anything, it'll be here for archival purposes. katiebridg has been good for me, and part of me is really fighting this. symbolic acts are always good for me, though, and I need to keep this life of mine moving forward.

so here's the end.

this time of lasts, it's hard and I don't want to deny it. I'm going to cry a lot these days, I know. . .

I'm just so sad to see it end. Big young days I've had here among people full of promise. we are all so lucky and I can hardly contain my thankfulness over what I've experienced here. I want to catalog it all, all the moments, but I know they will fade, there will be wonderful nights and jokes and fun locked up in the back of my brain, collecting dust, dying. but I'll know they were there, and that's enough on most days.

I'm going to miss these people so much, and I want to give them so much. but how can you give a gift when what you really want to give are stars and sunny mornings, wings to fly and the key to unlocking your biggest fear? I want to give them a piece of my heart--just cut off a tiny chunk, there's enough to go around. it would glitter and glow, a tiny piece of blood red heart in a tiny box, but it would be beautiful and not gory. I don't know how I'll accomplish this, to give a gift better than a blue sky, to wrap in a box the most magnificent love and hoping.

I'm so happy, so thankful, so teary, so blessed, so scared. and so grateful for where I am and where i've been. This adventure has gone so quickly.

next, find me here: oltremare.

le fin.

.past.mail.previous.next.