feeling tired and slightly nauseated. it could be the three margaritas with dinner; it could be the anticipation / apprehension / anxiety of now. My life consists of these three emotions these days; they're duking it out for first place, rolling and pushing each other, making deals, backing off, shoving forward.

I think my instinctual, ancient desires are colliding with modern thoughts and the result is something sometimes stupid and exciting and strange. I vaguely feel the throb of the old part of my brain rooting for certain things: to gather food, make babies, nurture things; while my modern brain tells me: have fun, let off steam with alcohol, have crazy adventures. The mixture of these two pieces of me has resulted in a lot of weirdness. I know I'm sometimes ultra-aware of myself, I overanalyze why and how I'm doing things. I wish I could stop it, I mean, the instinctual part of me wants to stop it but the modern part can't let go.

"they'll never cure this thing with medicine and magazines," sings Low, and I'm not exactly sure what they meant to convey, but I know what it means for me. Humans aren't meant for this, my brain can't hold this amount of conflicting emotion, old junk, new prospects, other people's feelings to deal with.

I want to protect everyone but I can't. I want to make everyone happy but I can't. I don't have the time, energy, resources, or talent for all of that.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not sad. I have to tell you and me that over and over, it could be much worse. again it's like, oh cry cry, feel sorry for me, I am a smart middle class girl with plenty of friends and fun and money, but I am not self-actualized so please please pity me and my selfish and extravagant lifestyle.

dissonance, conflict, clashing, bickering, wrangling, colliding, calcitrating. I hate hate how these things overshadow the goodness of now. I've been reading books about memory for a current graphic design project, and there's a whole chapter in one of the books on how your moods affect your remembrance. It makes sense, really. Say you're experiencing a few emotions which create a unique mood. While you're in this mood you're way likelier to remember things that happened to you while in previous similar moods.

Yeah, lots of stuff has happened in teh past two days, most of it good actually. But since I'm feeling a little harsh and weirded out right now, I'm only remembering the harsh and weird things.

and here's a heads-up. I'm giving this diary the boot once I cross the graduation stage. Katiebridg will be abandoned once I am a College Graduate. I'm setting up a new site; I couldn't give up diaryland, it's more addictive than alcohol and caffeine combined. I'll let you know when it switches for good.

Oh my lovely dears. Open your windows while you sleep tonight, let in fresh air, and then all the poisonous pieces of moods and thoughts will be like burrs and stick to your helium-filled dreams and float out into the nighttime sky. and maybe tomorrow you'll wake up covered in happiness and rose petals.

both you and I, we can only hope.

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